Some, Not All

I recently reactivated social media after a year or so of being off of it. I did not have a good reason necessarily, I just wanted a hit of dopamine, you know? I scrolled through my old posts on instagram, and was taken aback by this caption to a photo of my ex-husband:

On this day ten years ago we went on our first date. I remember feeling safe, at ease, nostalgic before it was even over.

I still do not have a definition of love that feels right or all encompassing, but if you really pressed me on it (no one has lol) it’d be this: Bravery. A feeling of safety and vulnerability at the same time. A window to the best and worst parts of yourself. A scenic car ride on the edge of a cliff. Curiosity. Freedom from the tyranny of perfection. Honesty. Painstaking, thankless work. One star in complete and utter darkness. Abandonment to hope and possibility. Belonging with someone, not to them. A hand to grasp when the bottom falls out. Nerve. A road-trip with no atlas, no road signs, no speed limit. Forgiveness. The fuel that makes life meaningful.

I’d go back to that first date and do it all over again, even now knowing what it requires, because I’ve come to understand that something being powerful is not the same thing as it being easy.

I didn’t cry when I read the caption and looked at the picture of him resting at the top of a waterfall. Instead of the usual sorrow, I felt a new curiosity. What went through my mind was, “would I still go back to our first date and do it all over again?”

The question of, “would you go back if you could?” is useless, of course, because everyone knows that we can’t go back in time. And the answer of “no, I wouldn’t change a thing— I am who I am because of it all!” feels like a half truth. The full truth, for me at least, is that if we figured out how to time travel, I’d go back and change some things.

I would take back the things I said to my twin sister when we were teenagers and I was a stuck-up jerk. I would change my mind sooner about believing I’m smart. I would go to counseling years before I actually did. I would not give myself bangs in 2021. I would say sorry more, even though I feel like I probably said it enough times. I would tell the truth more. I would make the decision myself and not wait until it was made for me. I would keep every single vow I promised. I would, I would, I would, etc…

Would I still go back to the first date with my ex-husband, even now, knowing how it ends?

What I can say is that I would take back some of it, but not all of it. It is more than a half truth to say that I am who I am today because of it all. I’ve learned lessons I couldn’t have learned any other way. I still believe in love (although I’m still working on the *right* definition). I still believe that something being powerful is not the same thing as it being easy.

And, I might add: something being powerful is not the same thing as it lasting forever.